Meet The Forces' Only Stand-up Comedian

More Forces-Themed Jokes To Keep You Tickled

We couldn't let these jokes go untold ...

Meet The Forces' Only Stand-up Comedian

It's time for more forces-themed jokes. 

Let's face it, we all need some lockdown laughs.

This new list of jokes include some that have come from you. They were left for us to laugh at on our social pages.

If you did leave a joke, and it was clean enough for us to include here, thanks.

As always, feel free to share this page of military jokes with your friends online. 

If you have a joke of your own and you want to share it, go for it. 

Who knows, maybe we’ll include it on our next forces-themed jokes feature.


Lockdown Laugh

This first joke was shared by Neil Carney on the BFBS Radio Facebook page:

I have a friend who is a fighter pilot, but because of the lockdown he’s off work. I asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he’s at a loose end, and he jumped at the chance.

I must say, he made a lovely job of the landing.

Best Since Sliced Bread

This one was left by Matthew Steen:

What’s the difference between a marine and a piece of toast?

You can make soldiers out of a piece of toast.

True Gents

Benjamin Sola is responsible for this next one, folks…

The Army is full of gentlemen trying to be officers.

The Navy is full of officers trying to be gentlemen.

The RAF is full of neither trying to be both.

LOL sign with helium balloons. Credit: Rawpixel

Haircut, Sir?

“During basic training I was seated in the barber chair bemoaning the impending loss of my hair when the barber asked, “Where are you from?” “Liverpool,” I grumbled. “Hey, I’m from Liverpool too!” he said. He then asked me under his breath, “Do you want to keep your sideburns?” I perked up. “Sure!”

With that, he revved up the razor, clipped off my sideburns, and gave them to me in my hands. As I left the barbershop with sideburns in hand, I heard him ask his next victim, “Where are you from?” “Birmingham” came the reply. “Hey, I’m from Birmingham too!”

How The Military Uses The Stars…

The Royal Navy navigates by the stars. The British Army sleeps under the stars.

And the Royal Air Force choose hotels by the stars.

Cool Allies 

Which branch of the US military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force, because they’re US AF.

Very Important Colonel

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when a signaler knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the signaler to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, Sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young soldier, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, Sir," the signaler replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Emoji laughing faces. Credit: Rawpixel.


Trooper: “Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you Corporal?”

Corporal: “No way, Jose!”

Trooper: “Why not?”

Corporal: “It’s against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!”

Bear Amusing

On a military training exercise, a couple of soldiers were getting very bored one quiet night, and so took to the radio and asked, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"

After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear, too!"

At this point, the Company Commander grabbed his handset and let loose a blistering tirade at the soldiers for fooling around on the net. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.

Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

Military Law

Private Jones was brought before the CO for a drunken offence in the NAAFI.

"You can take your choice, Jones. One month's restriction of privileges or 20 days’ pay," said the Colonel.

"All right, sir," said PTE Jones, "I'll take the money."

Taliban Hardware

What’s the top speed of a Taliban tank?

Depends on how many people are pushing it.