7 Of Your Favourite Military Jokes ... That Do The Rounds

What would be on your list? And no ... they are not all about the RAF

British Armed Forces are renowned for their first class sense of humour and banter worldwide.

We reached out for your best jokes and, frankly, some of them we couldn't publish - amusing as they might have been.

However, we have put together some of our favourite jokes that we could share.

Please take a look below and let us know what you would have added to this list.

Drill Sergeant Shouting Stirling Castle Guardsman Guard (Crown Copyright - Mark Owens, MoD)

1.  Best go and see the Drill Sergeant.

A young soldier from the Rifles is on Stag duty at night when he sees a figure approaching his position.

"Halt!" He shouts out.

The figure continues to advance, so the young soldier places his rifle into the shoulder.

"Halt!" He shouts again, but still, the figure comes closer.

The frightened soldier switches his safety catch to fire and once more shouts out "Halt!"

The figure still moves towards him, so he fires three rounds into it.

The next morning, he climbs out of his trench and goes to where the figure once stood. There, bleeding on the floor, is a member of the Grenadier Guards.

"You soppy T**t, I shouted 'halt' three times last night," says the young Rifleman.

Coughing and spluttering blood, the Grenadier looks up at him and says:

"Yes, I know. But you gave it on the wrong foot!"

"It's a trap"

2. Don’t mess with the SAS

A Taliban commander is patrolling when he hears a shout from behind a sand dune.

"One SAS soldier is better than ten taliban fighters!"

The Taliban commander is enraged at this cheek, so quickly sends his 10 best soldiers over the dune.

A few shots can be heard. When all is quiet there is no sign of the 10 fighters. Another shout rings out.

"One SAS soldier is better than 100 taliban fighters!"

The enraged commander rustles up 100 fighters and sends them over the dune. A firefight erupts. When all is quiet there is no sign of the Taliban fighters. Another shot rings out.

"One SAS soldier is better than 1,000 Taliban fighters!"

The commander, now livid, sends 1,000 fighters over the dune. A firefight lasting one hour ensues. When all is quiet, one dying fighter crawls back over the dune and into the arms of his commander and says:

"Don't send any more fighters. It's a trap. There's two of them!”

3. Please God, No!

A junior officer dies and goes to the Pearly Gates in heaven. St Peter invites him in.

"I will only come in if you can assure me there are no RSMs here" says the young officer. "They never make it into here" replies St Peter.

The officer enters heaven and is having a stroll around when in the distance he sees a man strutting around in military uniform including Sam Browne belt and pace-stick.

The officer goes back to St Peter and says, "You told me there are no RSMs here, yet I have just seen one!"

"Don't worry about him," says St Peter, “It’s just God - he thinks he is a RSM."

"5 Star, you say?"

4. Do the Army Dig-in and the RAF Check-in?

During Tri-Service orders, the General tells the assembly, "Go and secure three hotels in town."

The British Army duly formed up an assault team and cordon party, sealed off the hotel, blew the doors in and cleared each floor, room by room.

The Royal Navy sent out a shore patrol and entered the hotel, shut all of the windows, turned off all the lights and locked the doors.

The Royal Air Force sent an officer and accountant and booked all of the rooms for a month with an option to purchase.

5. Always happy to help

A young woman was standing outside her car weeping. A soldier walks up and asks what the problem is.

It turns out she's locked her keys in the car.

"Simple," says the soldier and drops his trousers, takes them off, rolls them into a ball and rubs them on the door.

The door pops open.

"How did you do that?!" exclaimed the young woman. 

"Easy," says the soldier, "These are my khakis."

"You what mate?!"

6. Fancy a quick pint?

A Royal Marine is sitting in a pub and leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a PARA joke?''

The guy next to him replies, ''Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a PARA.

"The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'' tall, weighs 225, and he's a PARA. The fella next to him is 6'5'' tall, weighs 250, and he's also a PARA. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?''

The Marine raises one eyebrow, rolls up his sleeves and says ... ''Nah, not anymore, I just don't want to have to explain it three times."

Senior Marines 'Guilty Of Not Stopping Assaults'
"I don't wanna go"

7. Guard duties suck

A soldier ran up to a nun, he was out of breath and asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later". The nun agreed.

Not long after this, two military police officers ran up and asked, "Sister have you seen a soldier around here?"

The nun pointed and replied, "He went that way."

After the Military Police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her long skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I just don't want to go on barrack guard."

The nun said she understood completely.

The soldier added, "I hope you don't mind me mentioning, but you have a great pair of legs."

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls ... I don't want to be on guard either."

Know any more military jokes you'd like to share? Let us know!