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10 Forces-Themed Jokes To Make You Smile

Lighten your day by browsing these military-flavoured witticisms

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* Warning: Some of this content is of an adult nature unsuitable for younger audiences.

We know you like a good laugh and that frequently those laughs include jokes aimed at yourselves, as well as at other Armed Forces colleagues.

With that in mind, browse through these humorous entries gleaned from within the ranks of the Armed Forces that are intended to brighten up your day.

And if you take offence, or think your branch of the services is being unfairly represented by the humour, please feel free to chip in with your own jokes - but try to keep it clean(ish).

With so much news and information based around serious matters right now, don't forget to take time out to make yourself laugh a little. It can really help.

Tell us which of these jokes you like the most on our social channels. Enjoy.

The CO's Morning Briefing

The Commanding Officer of a Cavalry Regiment was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that he and his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and that he'd failed to get his usual amount of sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure’?

The Adjutant chimed in with 75/25 percent in favour of work. A Lieutenant said it was 50/50. A Staff Sergeant responded with 25/75 in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Trooper who was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion?

Without hesitation, the young Trooper responded: "Colonel, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and asked why?

"Well, Sir," began the Trooper, "If there was any work involved, the Officers would have me doing it for them.”

CRBN

What do you call a soldier who survives Mustard Gas & Pepper Spray training?

A seasoned veteran.

LOL to these military themed jokes. Credit: Rawpixel

One For The Air Force

What's the difference between a Fighter Pilot and a Fighter Jet?

The jet stops whining when you turn the engines off.

Short History Lesson …

The Duke of Wellington was on a hill looking over the battlefield at Waterloo ...

He looked through his telescope and could see Napoleon on the hill opposite issuing his orders.

Suddenly, a cannon roared into life and a cannonball flew past the Duke's head.

The Duke immediately ordered his Galloper to his side, scribbled down a note and handed it to him, demanding he "Deliver this on pain of death to His Majesty the King in London, immediately."

The Galloper replied dutifully, "Yes, my Lord" and jumped on his horse and rode off into the French countryside.

The young soldier rode all day, only stopping occasionally to change horses, and arrived some hours later at Calais. He took a boat to Dover, changed horses again and galloped off towards London.

It was 2am when the soldier reached Buckingham Palace. He banged on the gates shouting, "OPEN IN THE NAME OF THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON. I MUST SEE THE KING IMMEDIATELY ON PAIN OF DEATH."

The King’s Courtiers hurriedly opened the gates and led the tired soldier to the King's bedchamber whereupon he banged on the door.

The King came to the door in his night clothes and, holding a candle up to the soldier's dirty face, he demanded to know why he had been woken up at such an ungodly hour.

“Your Majesty,” stammered the soldier, "A message from the Duke of Wellington. I have come direct from the field of battle, my Liege".

The King tore open the wax-sealed document. The message read: 'CONTACT....WAIT....OUT.'

Military Hospitals

An Army Major visits sick soldiers. He goes up to one and asks:

“What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic syphilis, Sir,” says the Private.

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man.” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.

“What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic piles, Sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man.” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.

“What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic gum disease, Sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir.”

Cool laughing emoji. Credit: Rawpixel

Apologies In Advance For This Next One ...

Which month of the year do soldiers hate the most?

March!

Secure The Building ...

Ask the British Army to secure a building and they will set up a perimeter around it and make sure nobody gets out.

Ask the Royal Marines to secure a building and they will charge in, kill everybody inside, and then set up defences to make sure nobody else gets in.

Ask the Royal Navy to secure a building and they will turn off all the lights and lock all the doors at 1700.

Ask the Royal Air Force to secure a building and they will sign a 10-year lease with an option to buy.

Hard-Faced Soldier

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a fiver?”

Soldier: “Sure, mate.”

Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now, let’s try that again!”

Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a fiver?”

Soldier: “No, SIR!”

One For The Marines …

What do Marines have in common with other members of the Armed Forces?

They all originally set out to become Marines, too.

Never Late To The Party ...

How do you know if there's a Fighter Pilot at your party?

He'd have told you the moment he arrived. 

Think you can tell better jokes? Comment on our social channels and we might include them in a future jokes article ... if they're clean enough to be told in public!

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