Anonymous Army Grenadier Guards feet
Fun

Nine Of Our Favourite Military Jokes... That We Can Tell In Public

Britain's military has a long tradition of banter and belly-laughing jokes: here are some of our favourites.

Anonymous Army Grenadier Guards feet

(Picture: MOD).

Britain's military has a long tradition of banter and belly-laughing jokes and the internet has gone into a frenzy for our selection of our favourites of all time.

Thousands of people have viewed the Forces Network post after we dug out some of our top military funnies for your reading.

Thankfully there has been no shortage of material to draw from - whether it's service personnel indulging in a bit of gallows humor or poking fun at the top brass, everyone likes a good military joke.

Take a look below and tell us what you think.

1. Chain of command

 

Muddy wheel

During training exercises, the Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

"Your car stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

2. A moment of alarm

 

U.S. Navy F/A-18F Super Hornet
(Picture: US Department of Defense).

Two crows were flying along slowly minding their own business enjoying the scenery, when all of a sudden out of the blue an F/A-18E/F Super Hornet goes screaming past, barely missing the now somersaulting, and wildly flapping crows.

"Oh my God!" exclaims one crow in surprise. "He was sure moving!"

The other crow replies: "I reckon you would be too if you had two backsides and both of them were alight!"

3. A job well done

 

Soldier shows off his camouflage.

The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much, sir."

4. A perfect fit

 

Military Army Anonymous Boots

A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.

"Put up your hand if you are the laziest."

When 24 men raised their hands, the Sergeant asked the other man: "Why didn't you raise your hand?"

The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."

5. From across the pond

 

2 RIFLES And 1 SCOTS Train In Galloway Forest

The Chief of Staff of the US Air Force decided to personally recruit some pilots and he saw two young twins.

He looked at the first young man and asked: "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says: "I'm a pilot!"

The General gets all excited, turns to his aide and says: “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The General looks at the second young man and asks: "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says: "I chop wood!"

Read More: Ten Of The Silliest Names For Regiments

“Son,” the general replies: “We don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?”

“I chop wood!”

“Young man,” huffs the general, “You are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!”

“Well,” the young man says, “You hired my brother!”

“Of course we did,” says the general, “He’s a pilot!”

The young man rolls his eyes and says: “So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!”

6. Get in line

 

Guardsman wearing his Summer Guard Order and drill boots.

A Drill Sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said: "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied: "Not me, Sarge…no sir!

"I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line."

7. Training priorities

 

Army Fitness Test

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused: "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

8. A night under the stars

 

Saif Sareea night time exercise

The company commander and the sergeant were in the field. As they go to bed for the night, the first sergeant said: "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

The commander said: "I see millions of stars."

Sgt: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

Sgt: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

9. Gone Fishin'

 

British fishing waters

A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were fishing together when a sudden storm hit. When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found out I can't swim I'd be disgraced."

"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."

Know any more military jokes you'd like to share? Just comment and let us know...

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